Funny shit I've heard at work.

"It just makes me want to squirt some in my mouth," intentionally taken out of context.

"But..you're a... sugar coated ball of bitch...," in regards to a co-worker, whom from hence forth I shall refer to as Sugar.

Guy at a table: "I feel like such a whore"

Me: *pulls out his wallet*

"Quynlan, I want you to fill this coffee pot, take it to your table, and swing it at maximum velocity at that bitch's head. Make sure you spill the scalding coffee all over the rest of the table too." -- My boss, when having to deal with an extremely difficult table.