Old Balls

I am 33. My birthday is in 3 weeks. In restaurant years I'm fucking Methuselah. Whore and GNAD teamed up on me.

I thought Whore was being nice, "you know, since we're best friends and all . . ." I'll pause here, to tell you that I was *hoping* to offer to play wingman for a night, and get me laid.

She finished with, ". . . I think we should take out a life insurance policy in your name, and name me the beneficiary. you're old, you're going to die soon."

When I told her about my initial thought about how she was to finish that statement, she said "I would love to take you out to meet women, but it's 4pm on a saturday. Everyone at the nursing home is already asleep."

Oh, she also offered to buy me a Rascal for my birthday.

So as of now, I'm taking suggestions. Revenge ideas. The Whore shall not live this down. Leave them in the comments, and we'll see how it goes.

Lack of updates

Have been working straight double shifts lately, so there's not been much of an inclination to write anything new. I'll try to catch up here soon, but the earliest I can say is next week. Sorry for the dry spell guys.

Gramma, Rubbers, and You

New introduction!

Biff-- Musclebound pretty boy, who spends all his time playing video games and masturbating to animal porn.

Another conversation had a few nights ago:

Biff: You remember that old game, don't break the ice?

Me: I remember that old game, don't break the rubber. I used to play it at my gramma's house.

Me: . . .

Me: Well, not AT my gramma's house . . .

Biff: I used to play that game at your gramma's house.

Me: Sweet Jesus, Biff

Biff: Nah, I'm just kidding. I never used a rubber with your gramma.

Nuggets

Nugget, Definition: A person with no arms or legs.

Conversation that occured yesterday: (Slight author's liberties taken, due to fuzzy memory)

GNAD: I just can't get laid.

Whore: You could always try a nugget.

Me: Yeah, a nugget is probably your best bet. They can't run away.

GNAD: Yup, and if you flip them on their stomach, you don't have to hear them scream at you either.

We're all going to hell.